by Being over 50, my spouse and I still watch TV network news. And each time we watch ABC News, I eagerly await a certain moment.
Here it comes, like clockwork, and so I exclaim, “Hey, honey, there it is — the painful female intercourse commercial!” This is the point at which we know we are halfway through the day’s important happenings.
Evidently, only older people watch the news anymore, which explains why its commercials are focused on drugs we should be asking our doctors about. Women are encouraged to enquire about all sorts of chemicals to enhance the quality of life. I have a special fondness for those that remind us menopausal females how important it is that we’re not pregnant or menstruating while rectifying all those plaguing conditions experienced throughout our waning years.
So, naturally, I’m very, very excited about the upcoming “female Viagra” ads in my news-watching future. I’ve long had complaints with the hundreds of “male Viagra” ads we’ve been subjected to over the years. They’ve made me feel quite inadequate — my husband and I have never been overtaken with the urge to make mad passionate love while bathing in outdoor tubs, side by side, to the sexy strains of invisible bluesmen. I haven’t picked up on all the times he’s gotten hot and bothered while watching me do the crossword puzzle or when our hands have touched as we gardened. The only possible conclusion — there has to be something wrong with me.
Clearly, my female libido desperately needs some enhancing.
Sprout Pharmaceuticals, go ahead and fire your public relations company. Simply film this commercial, which I have thoughtfully scripted for you. I think it will get the message out about just what is needed to fix those finicky female libidos.
You’re welcome.
The Ultimate Female Viagra Commercial
Cue MUSIC: orchestral, light jazz version of Peggy Lee’s, “I’m a Woman.
Scene: entryway of well-appointed home. Front door opens. ENTER WOMAN, indeterminate age, carrying briefcase in professional attire. She closes door softly and gazes about; viewer sees entryway from her viewpoint as WOMAN drops briefcase next to neatly arranged school backpack, assorted children’s and man’s shoes.
WOMAN kicks off Jimmy Choo heels and walks into main area of home, which is well appointed and immaculate. Lights are dimmed; she passes through living room, spies a beautifully set table with flowers and china through archway to dining room. Continues on. Audience sees peacefully sleeping middle-school aged GIRL with intricately braided hair as WOMAN proceeds past bedroom door. Next shot: angle from inside room of cherubic BOY, sleeping softly, shows woman gazing in as she passes.
WOMAN continues down hall, removing Chanel suit jacket as she walks. Shot from interior of bathroom with fully drawn bubble bath, candles burning, luxurious towels available, silky pajamas laid out; WOMAN stride purposefully by.
To dramatic swell of music, WOMAN opens closed door at end of hallway. Younger well-muscled MAN, shirtless, mid 40s, in form-fitting blue jeans, is viewed from behind. As he turns and smiles, audience observes he is carefully folding a pair of women’s granny panties; neat stacks of freshly laundered adult and children’s clothing visible on sumptuously turned down bed.
WOMAN closes door. Screen fades to black.
SCREEN TEXT: “Flibanserin. Because you never know when the mood will strike….”
