How to Stuff a Donald Trump Piñata

An updated version of this essay can be found on BuzzFeed.com

I’m on a mission. Surely someone, somewhere has a Donald Trump piñata that I can get my hands on, STAT!

I have to thank His Holy Comb-Overness for the sense of fun sparking this creative entrepreneurship. (Truly, we have to focus on the entertainment value of beating up a goodie-filled effigy because considering the actual hatefulness of Trump’s comments about the citizens of Texas’ beloved southern neighbor, Mexico, would just make any thoughtful person cry.)

But I’m struggling a little — with what, exactly, should one fill a Donald Trump piñata? It really begs some thoughtful interpretation, and I’m not sure which way to go. I’ve come up with a bevy of possible filling options, arranged here by theme.

6 Ways to Stuff A Trump Piñata 

The Patriot

Go with America’s colors of red, white, and blue for Trump’s misguided patriotism. Or, opt for colors of the Mexican flag (green, white, and red) as a literal “in your face” rebuttal. I’d add appropriately colored confetti to visually symbolize the complete mess of Trump’s rhetoric. Feel free to round up appropriate candidates’ political flyers for filler, as there is a plethora to choose from (check out this list of 2016 presidential candidates).

If I Were a Rich Guy

Have fun with fake candy currency — Payday Bars, Millionaires, Smarties Candy Money, those gold-wrapped chocolate coins … there are so many options! Stuff some play paper bills in for filler (or, if you have a $4.1 billion net worth like Trump, put some real cash in there and watch your friends scramble).

There She Goes, Miss America

Collect those discarded Barbies. Add in some heels, tooth whitening strips, and plastic tiaras. Be sure to include a bit of Dollar Store bling (rhinestone studs, for example) to reference good guys rapper Flo Rida and Dallas Cowboy football great Emmit Smith, who pulled out as this year’s judges in protest.

Vegas, Baby!

By bringing in Trump’s hotel holdings, it’s possible to tap into more adult versions of piñata fun. Fill that paper mache cavity with mini-bar sized bottles of alcohol (vodka plus cans of Red Bull gives a heart-stopping, keep-me-gambling combo). Add a deck of cards, poker chips, dice, and real coins for the slot machines to fill ‘er up. Provide guests with plastic cups to collect the spew, and remember to please day drink responsibly. Jackpot!

It’s the Hair

Perfect for that fun outdoor bridal shower. Skip the candy and hone in on hair care products: plastic combs, shower caps, travel-size shampoos and conditioners, hair nets. Personally, I think a razor would be dangerously appropriate (clearly La Donald has no fashion-forward person in his life to suggest it might be time to channel Vin Diesel, Billy Zane, or one of my personal faves, Bruce Willis. Now there’s a man who knew when to ditch the ‘do.)

You’re Fired!

Bring back the money candy, recycle those old power ties, and add to this “The Apprentice” haul loot with pink slips, New York City souvenirs, and wadded up pages from the business section. Encourage batters to channel their boss frustrations as they take their swings. Or not.

Perhaps the most appropriate option would be to simply leave that piñata hollow. Trump is, after all, full of a lot of hot air.