When an Apology Isn’t an Apology

Call me old fashioned but an apology should contain some variation of the words “sorry” or “regret.” As in, “I’m sorry I …” or “I regret having …” Those are active statements; the “I” shows recognition — and ownership — of your action. I did this nasty thing. And then you express sorrow or regret over what you did.

A true apology is all about the person who was hurt. Your entire reason for this kind of statement is to make amends.

Now, “I didn’t mean to” isn’t really an apology. It’s an expression of intent (that action was accidental, not intentional). It only becomes an apology when followed by the, ahem, actual apology: “I didn’t mean to do that, and I’m sorry ….”

And I would argue that the words “I apologize” are weak; there’s nothing in them that inherently shows recognition of harm or remorse. So, like “I didn’t mean to,” what matters is the rest of what is said.

Ready for an Apology Quiz?

Read the following statement:

…I rise today to apologize for the abrupt manner of the conversation I had with my colleague from New York. It is true that we disagree on policies and visions for America but that does not mean we should be disrespectful. Having been married for 45 years with two daughters, I’m very cognizant of my language. The offensive name-calling, words attributed to me by the press, were never spoken to my colleagues and, if they were construed that way, I apologize for my — I apologize for my misunderstanding. My wife, Carolyn, and I started together at the age of 19 with nothing. We did odd jobs, and we were on food stamps. I know the face of poverty. And for a time, it was mine. That is why I know people in this country can still, with all its faults, rise up and succeed and not be encouraged to break the law. I will submit, commit to each of you that I will conduct myself from a place of passion and understanding; that policy and political disagreement be vigorously debated with the knowledge that we approach the problems facing our nation with the betterment of the country in our mind and the people we serve. I cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family, and my country.”

Rep. Ted Yoho

That’s the transcript of Rep. Ted Yoho addressing Congress (you can watch Yoho deliver that apology on C-Span) after The Hill reported on Monday that, in a parting shot after a heated exchange with his congressional colleague, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, on the Capitol steps, the representative had called AOC a “fucking bitch.”

We’re going to set aside the “I didn’t say that” whining from Yoho, who has subsequently claimed he used a “barnyard epithet” instead. I guess he means he exclaimed “bullshit” as he walked away; Rep. Roger Williams was there, and if there’s ever a Texan familiar with bullshit, it’s Williams but he has demurred, claiming to have been thinking about other things and not really paying attention. I’d be surprised if Williams could walk and think at the same time, so I’m sure he’s being truthful. Be that as it may, AOC and the reporter heard “fucking bitch,” and what truly matters is the offense she took at Yoho’s off-color and spiteful repartee.

Was That Statement an Apology?

So let’s break down Yoho’s statement with a few simple yes/no questions:

Yoho has a strong start: “I apologize for…” But wait: He’s apologizing for his abrupt manner. Was that conversation sudden and unexpected, characterized by or involving action without preparation (thank you, Merriam-Webster)? Perhaps he was referring to being rudely or unceremoniously curt, lacking smoothness or continuity? All true, but he clarifies by denying he called AOC a “fucking bitch,” so he’s apologizing for everything prior to that phraseology — which is why an apology is needed. Swing and a miss.

Skipping ahead, Yoho says, “I apologize for my misunderstanding.” Now, he immediately preceded that with a denial of calling AOC a “fucking bitch,” so this is a backhanded jab at her problem with understanding him. Classic victim blaming: I didn’t do that but it’s your fault for thinking I did.

After that “apology,” he talks about his family and experience with poverty. Yoohoo … this isn’t about you, remember? It’s about making amends for your actions to the colleague you’ve abruptly disparaged and insulted. At work.

Here’s the closer: “I cannot apologize….” Well, you didn’t. And as long as you are invoking family and passion, let me say that, if you were my child, I’d grab you by the ear and make you do it right.

Now, for a master class in how not to accept a non-apology, I direct you to this transcript of the honorable Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s remarks: “Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) House Floor Speech Transcript on Yoho Remarks July 23”

Read More

“A.O.C. Unleashes a Viral Condemnation of Sexism in Congress” by Luke Broadwater and Catie Edmondson

“The Double-Bind Behind Hillary Clinton’s Smile” (any discussion of sexism in politics has to include Hillary)